One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
