Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
