not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
