You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
