it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
