If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So much rum. So many feels.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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