Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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