i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
