All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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