hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
