I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
