So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
