just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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