i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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