Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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