they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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