it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
