every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
