he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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