I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
