I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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