god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
