Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
