I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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