a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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