I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
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He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
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I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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