I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
