He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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