My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
