U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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