i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
