Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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