dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.