so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure