either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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