i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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