so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
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Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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