We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
