I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
