my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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