When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
