Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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