so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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