final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
