he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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