yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
