Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
