I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
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It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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