Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I came so hard my ears popped.
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