i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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