ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
