I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
