I'm so fucking centered right now
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
