I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My ATM looks so different sober.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
