Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
