I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
