Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
