is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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