I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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